How to make small talk at parties, when you really want to run home!!

How do you feel? Nervous? Uneasy? Uncomfortable? If you do, then you are not alone. An incredible number of people consider themselves shy. And, even if you like people or consider yourself outgoing, being dropped into a situation where you know no one can make even the most calm, cool, and collected person start to sweat.

You would be surprised at the people of power and influence who think of themselves as shy or introverted. Many CEO’s are great in the boardroom but uncomfortable in less structured, open-ended situations.

I have found that there are about 10% of people who thrive in these unknown and new situations. Most everyone else is uneasy or uncomfortable to some degree. The difference is in how people cope with these situations. Some become wall flowers. Some retreat and leave as soon as they can. Some struggle to fit in, never quite making it. And, some learn how to shine their own light in the midst of the difficult circumstances.

There are many suggestions for how to have a better time at parties. You may even find that you, too, can shine your own light and maybe even enjoy new and unfamiliar situations!

Some strategies will work for you, and some won’t. If you read carefully, you will find that some of my strategies appear to contradict others. That’s because the different people need to travel different routes. No one idea works for everyone. People have different styles and approaches to challenges.

Pick the ideas that work for you. Adjust the ideas I offer to make them work for you. If you are able to find one or two ideas that might make things easier, then you’ll have gotten all you need from this article.

1. Relax

Don’t expect yourself to be witty and the life of the party. People will notice that you are trying to hard and it repels people. Just relax and enjoy listening to a good story of someone else’s. Let yourself enjoy the experience rather than controlling the experience.

2. Lower your expectations

One problem people have is walking in with too high of expectations. We expect to make the perfect business contact or meet the future spouse of our dreams in these circumstances. While this can happen, it doesn’t usually work like that. And, when you let go of expectations and the internal demand that certain things happen, they are more likely to happen.

3. Create some structure for yourself

A. Are you confident at work but uncomfortable in open ended situations? Create a structure of your own. Make a plan to meet a certain number of people. If you know how many people you want to get to know, then the time goes faster. The conversations are easier.

B. Make a plan to have at least one good conversation. Keep looking until you really enjoy one of the people at the party.

C. Make a game out of the situation. Find some way to make it amusing. Rate people’s opening lines on your own rating scale. Rate the level of smile you get from each new person.

4. Help out

Pretend you have a job in the situation.

Act as host- make sure everyone feels at home and comfortable. Seek out those who look uneasy. Let them know you are glad to see them. Don’t be a traffic cop telling people where to go, but do offer information.

Make sure everyone is as comfortable as you would want someone to help you become. You will become comfortable in the process and enjoy yourself more because your presence has a purpose.

Be support for the host. Offer to chop vegetables, take coats, help get drinks.

5. Be gracious

The little phrases-- "you are so kind to have invited me," "what a wonderful, warm place to have a party," "it’s so nice to see you"-- all make it easier to greet someone. It also positions you as a kind and thoughtful person.

6. Rethink the situation

Most people who are uncomfortable in new situations have some version of the refrain "who would want to talk to me?" running through their heads.

Rethink the situation. Stand and survey the scene. Ask yourself who you would love to talk to and get to know. Then, take control of the situation and approach the person. The line "I’m so glad to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you!" always works well.

7. Be curious

Approach the situation as a curious observer. Don’t make judgments. Make observations. Say to yourself- "Hmm, this party seems quiet. I wonder if things will stay this way or change." This is more effective than internal judgments or opinions.

8. Practice opening lines

The first contact has always been the most difficult for me. One day, I realized that the simple question "May I join you?" would make my life much easier. I had read a great book on small talk, had practiced approaches, and then got to a party where I decided who I wanted to meet. But, then I was stuck. How should I approach the group? I finally decided to take the upfront route and ask "May I join you?" It is so simple that it’s absurd.

You may be asking yourself how many people would find this a useful hint. But, I will tell you that when I figured this out I was a 30+ year old psychologist who was trained for years in how to talk to people. And yet, I truly was that uncomfortable approaching people. So, I have to believe that there are more of you out there who don’t know how to approach people any more than I did.

9. Lower your standards for your own performance and keep practicing

People who are uncomfortable in new situations usually expect themselves to always say an appropriate thing. You don’t have to say anything great. Just keep trying. Practice may not make perfect, but it does make you a lot more comfortable.

10. Stand tall

Practice your physical stance- stand tall, breathe slowly, KNOW that you are fine, KNOW that you carry with you the strength of many, KNOW that you can attract the right people to you.

11. Practice not caring

Act like you don’t care whether people are talking to you or not. Of course, don’t frown like you want to push people away. But, know that the calm confidence of people who know that they are fine and who know that people will want to talk to them actually attracts people. Being overeager pushes people away.

12. Let your enthusiasm show

Let people know what you enjoy and are enthusiastic about. Practice little stories about things you enjoy. Let people in on who you are, while you find out who they are.

13. Act as if you were in comfortable surroundings

Act as if you were as comfortable with the people you’ve just met as you are with your closest friends or family members. Take a moment and call up an image of a time when you were in the presence of someone with whom you feel completely comfortable. Remember and breathe in how you feel with that person. Now, feel that way during this new conversation! Smile like you smile with the people with whom you feel comfortable. Stand comfortably like you do when you are happy and enjoying yourself.

14. Borrow from the great ones

Watch and learn. Listen to what those who have social ease and grace say to people. How do they approach situations? What do they say when they come to someone new? Practice some of their phrases and approaches. Incorporate little bits into your style. Take only the parts that feel right for you.

15. Under every perceived weakness is a strength

Look for the strengths underneath your perceived weakness. You probably think that there is something wrong with being shy or uncomfortable. But, there isn’t. What is the strength within your natural style? i.e. your shyness has an underlying strength of quiet listening and cautiousness. And, how can you use this strength to build your self? Knowing you are cautious gives you the quality of waiting and seeing. Embrace the positive quality and you can accept your challenges more easily

16. Try honesty

Honesty works. Tell someone you just met that these kinds of parties are hard for you. Tell someone that you are always uncomfortable until you get to know someone. Tell someone that you are looking for a great contact in a certain field. Accept who you are, embrace who you are, then share who you are. When you are comfortable enough with yourself to be open, it attracts people.

Now, go back through this list and look for one or two tips that might be worth trying in your next party or new unstructured situation. Mentally rehearse how you will use these tips. Try the tips in situations where you already feel comfortable and see if they enhance your time there.

Let me know how it works for you! Drop me an email at leah@lifedesignconcepts.net. I always collect success stories. So, let me know if I have your permission to use your story.

Leah Jackman-Wheitner, Ph.D., Business and Life Coach

Life Design Concepts 812.376.0412 leah@lifedesignconcepts.net